The time has finally come for my last meditation. Ok, so it\’s a little overdue…about 2 months overdue, but I\’m here now, that might count for something right? After today, my blogging entries will be much less focused and more free to my own thoughts and desires. Maybe spiritual, maybe silly, maybe both…probably both. Anyways, As I look back at the last two months I feel like a lot has changed for me, and yet didn\’t at the same time. For the last several weeks I\’ve been in a period of discernment about the future of my relationships, especially one in particular. Relationships have always been one of my key focuses on as a person and while I have always managed to get my work done as a student, my heart was always within the context of relationships. I thrive off them. I sacrifice for them. I give myself to them. I value and treasure them. They are, for the past 22 years what I have given the most amount of energy to. I struggle to imagine my life without them. I don\’t even know what to do with myself, to be honest. However, life is meant to test you, challenge you, push you and with that in mind I have been discerning as shift in focus for myself. I\’m reminded of something that happened a few years ago. Since I was in high school, I wanted a ring from James Avery. I, for one, love James Avery Jewelery and think the rings are pretty. I had one in mind as well, a silver cross with a heart, simple, elegant, symbolic. I remember telling the boys I was interested in at the time that that\’s what I longed for, and though I did get several articles of jewelery from them, necklaces and bracelets and even a diamond ring from Kay Jewelers, no one ever gave me the James Avery ring I wanted. I\’m not going to lie, it frustrated me at the time. Not that I don\’t love the charm bracelet I received or the beautiful cross necklace, but it wasn\’t what I really wanted and they knew it too. So finally, when I was in college I think maybe my junior year, I decided heck with this….I\’m just going to buy it myself. And I did. I went to James Avery and bought that ring that I wanted myself. The reason I think about this now is that it is one of the only pieces of jewelery I own that is not associated with anyone except me. It doesn\’t remind me of any past relationships, it doesn\’t connect me with ex-boyfriends. It\’s mine. It\’s a symbol of my attempt at loving God and being faithful and loyal to him. That\’s why I wear it on my ring finger on my left hand. When I get married, I\’m sure I will have a wedding ring there, but until then I am betrothed to God alone. I feel that the process I currently find myself is something that I can\’t associate with anyone else. It has to be my own process to cherish and even though I might be able to have help along the way from my ultra wonderful and supported friends and family, it needs to be mine to keep. So has this exercise shown me God? Doesn\’t everything show God? I strive to see God and his plan for me in every moment of my life, and thought I fail at that constantly it is still worth the fight.
\”Sometimes hitting rock bottom means giving up something voluntarily.\” – Myself