So I admit, I have taken a bit of a hiatus. That prayer took a lot of creative energy out of me and though I have thought maybe I should write something, I haven\’t exactly been able to sit down and think long enough to start writing. This mostly has to do with what has been going on in my life, the details of which I will spare you with, but it has definitely not been the easiest of times for me. My pride has been wounded in the battle of love and I am now retreating so I can heal before entering back into the field. This has been something I have needed for an excessively long time. For the first time in about 6 years I am not in a committed romantic type relationship. Now, I\’m not 100% sure how long this is going to last, but I\’m actually proud of myself for even making the decision to keep my distance for a while. I simply cannot deal with the emotional work required right now. I\’m too wounded. For the last 3 years I\’ve been involved in something that took so much of my emotional energy and drained me of those resources. It was my fault. I totally lost myself in the role of the \”girlfriend\”. I didn\’t have the willpower to say no, I\’m not going to deal with this. I lost a sense of who I am and sadly, but truthfully, I lacked and still lack a sense of self-worth, dignity and respect that I really should have. I played the role of a companion that was too giving, too submissive and too compromising. I welcomed the idea of being taken for granted and practically paved the way to be taken advantage of. It is all very much my fault, and I am so sorry. I\’m sorry to the person that is involved in this, for letting it go on so long the way it was and not being the haven I am called to be. I\’m sorry to the people that have had to watch me in my spiral of self-degradation while knowing that they could do nothing to help me. I\’m sorry to those who I might be with in the future because this is now part of the baggage I carry with me and I\’m especially sorry to one of my admirers who is having a particularly difficult task of waiting while I sort through things in my life I have never dealt with until now. I\’m sorry to God for not being the woman I was called and created to be. But most of all, I am sorry to myself for not living up to my potential and selling myself short on so many levels. I know…I probably sound whiny and overly apologetic, but I feel like it\’s something I have to do.
Things I have to do. I was trying to explain how I am with a couple of friends how I operate. To them, it\’s easy. A is hurting you, so just stop doing A. It\’s not like you get any benefit from it, and you are avoiding pain, a relatively positive situation. Why on earth, Karen, would you continue doing A? I try to explain that on a fundamental level there are things that I feel like I have to do. These are not things I want to do (often times they are not in my best interest) and they are not even what I should do (sometimes they are precisely what I should not do) and yet I feel compelled to do them, like there is something deep seated inside me that is driving my actions with the force of chains. I imagination it\’s what an addiction is. It is an addiction. It\’s beyond want and should….it\’s down to need. It\’s a sad and desperate place to be. I think I need to be more vigilant about protecting myself against these feelings. That is what my journey is about. Being free. Being free to be everything that I am, finding out what that is and what that means. Being free to make my own decisions without the permission of outside authorities. Being free to grow and learn and discover things about myself and the world. This is where my journey begins. Learning to love what is good for me. Doing what is good for my soul and what will replenish my emotional reserves that have been drained for so incredibly long. It\’s a journey of self love and a search for real fulfillment and maybe even real companionship, something that has seemed to evade me constantly. Where is my heart in all this, and what can I learn from it? Where does it take me? Who does it lead me to? Right now, this is what I need to be doing.
\”You know sometimes, you gotta learn to love what\’s good for you.\” – Charlie Swan New Moon