It feels like my life froze. All the things that I know I need to be motivated for, like grad school and such, I just haven\’t been at all. It\’s like my brain thinks of all the things I should be doing and my body has just sat down. Maybe it\’s a form of being burnt out from school. Maybe it\’s from my lack of clear goals and direction. Maybe I\’m just having a harder time adjusting to my whole situation. Whatever it is, though, it needs to stop. I don\’t have TIME to be unmotivated. I need to write 2 papers and read a whole bunch of stuff by Tuesday. At least tomorrow, everyone will be at the game, so I won\’t have many distractions. I\’m a big enough distraction. I just feel like I really need to get my stuff together. So this was Jackie\’s birthday week. Yay! I went downtown with a bunch of people last night and it was really fun. It was nice to just be out and about, free to go where the night leads, you know that sort of thing. I also ran into a good friend I hadn\’t seen in FOREVER, so that was exciting. Today, I pretty much did nothing worth mentioning, except grocery shopping in the rain. (Perfect make-out rain, by the way!) It really reminded me of fall.
I absolutely LOVE the fall. For me there is something very calming about fall. It\’s where everything slows down again, where you get back to what\’s really important. Think about it, you\’re coming from a hectic summer full of jobs, vacations, pool parties, all the fun, active, extremely hot stuff. But then fall comes, and people go home (picture a high school homecoming, for example). People watch football. People start cooking things like homey soups. School starts up again, life goes back into a more quiet lull. The weather cools off a bit, the clouds become our safe little blanket. It brings me, personally, back to a place where home and family is the most important thing. It brings me back to a place of nostalgia. It\’s a slower pace, a more peaceful pace. It isn\’t filled with the holiday season, with it\’s lights and presents (although I absolutely LOVE Christmas and think it is absolutely 100% vital to us as humans to have such a big, joyous holiday in the middle of winter.) It isn\’t anticipatory to the summer months like spring is (you know what I mean, think PE in April, when it started getting hot and ALL you wanted to do was have it be summer.) There\’s just something about it that makes me fall in love with it every year.
It captures the feeling that I\’ve searched for all my life, that I get glimpses of every once in a while. Those moments that are so meaningful to me, and no one else. It\’s always simple, it\’s never really when anything big and important is happening. It\’s when I feel completely comfortable where I am. I could be walking, or waiting for something, or working, or at the library, or in the chapel, or looking out the window, or out to eat. It happens suddenly, without warning. A moment of complete peace. A moment of knowing that in this moment all is right with the world. I associate it with complete non-stress, which is why I think I am so adamant about finding the most non-stressful job for me. I think, it\’s my own little version of heaven on earth. I puts me in the right mindset. I feel like it\’s how God shows me He really does love me. It\’s interesting actually, because if someone would ask me what I would respond the best to, I would probably think it would be something big, like a grand gesture of love. But He knows me much better than I know myself. He knows that it\’s the peace in the small things that forever get lodged into my brain. Not even moments of complete joy and happiness. It\’s those everyday moments, when I\’m in the grind of the uphill battle, when I\’m perfectly content. I\’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I should learn about myself through the moments that touch me the most. It\’s the simple things (for me the seemingly random simple things) that revive me.
I know that this entry is already long enough, but this topic is so intriguing to me. This feeling, that I wish I could grasp more, resonates with my very soul. I thought I would document a few of these moments to share with you, but mostly to keep them alive in my heart as well.
1. Right before my 11th birthday party and it just rained, and I was waiting for my friends to come over, I went outside and it was dark (winter birthdays!) and I just looked at the reflection of the streetlights on the wet pavement.
2. Praying in the CGS chapel on a very sunny afternoon.
3. Looking at the streetlamps late at night in my room in Spring and thinking about how they looked like 3 crosses.
4. Driving around Dallas with Joey late one night.
5. Watching the sunrise over the ocean bay on mission trip in Victoria, Canada
6. Looking across the street from the grocery store in Quebec and seeing the absolutely beuatiful water and hills
7. Eating at the Boston Market sometime in the fall (the one that used to be on Lamar)
8. Seeing fireflies at the bridge in the park near my house on Beanna.
9. Watching the sun reflect off of Eagle Lake and have it look like diamonds.
10. Working in the tower one random afternoon.
11. Working at the PCL one random evening (I think it was raining.)
12. Walking to the Career Exploration Center before Christmas break and it was all gray outside and chilly, and the whole time I was in there being counseled.
13. Sitting on Danny\’s couch and talking about the crayon wreath in his house.
14. Sitting out on Joe\’s back patio on some porch swing talking about guardian angels.
15. Writing poetry in the courtyard of KC Hall.
16. Going out to run errands at the grocery store when I had just gotten my license
17. Going in the backyard in PAX Lodge in the evening in London.
18. Sitting on the alps, looking out over Adelboden.
19. Showering in the middle of the afternoon at my parent\’s house.
20. \”Studying\” in the KC Hall Lounge at night
21. Going to look at Christmas lights in Cypresswood
22. The first time at Addie Roy, overlooking the hills and water AND sitting around the table with Adrian
23. The first Holy Thursday mass I ever went to.
24. Looking at the lightening over Cho Yeh
25. Sitting and listening to a really chill band at ACL sometime in the afternoon
26. The only funeral I\’ve ever been to.
27. Underneath the tree at Mission trip in Seattle at the school
28. The bus ride back from Galveston during one youth week
29. Sleeping underneath the glow-in-the-dark star stickers in my room
30. Valentine\’s Day this past year. (Whole Foods and Roasting Marshmallows)
These are examples of my moments that make me feel alive. They are mostly quiet, everyday events. None are outlandish. They are simple. They are beautiful. And even if you don\’t understand it all, they have helped me stay sane and grounded. I urge you to think about the moments in YOUR life that stand out to you. Feel free to share them.
\”Time falls away, but these small hours still remain.\” – Rob Thomas