I feel like I\’m at a very interesting time of my life. A time that I never expected to be in, honestly, and now that I\’m here, I\’m not sure what I should be doing with myself which has led me to the rut I currently seem to find myself in. I always assumed, in my idealistic life plan, I would be engaged by now. I would meet the love of my life in college, and by the time I graduated I\’d be engaged and get married the following year, and then go on with my life as a wife with a family I\’ve created. That didn\’t happen. Actually, the opposite happened. Instead of getting engaged, I broke up with my long term boyfriend (It would have been 3 years in a couple weeks from today) and not only that, but I don\’t have really any prospects. It\’s really disconcerting to me, considering marriage is my ultimate goal in life. I\’m an incredibly companionship oriented person and long to share my life with someone. I\’ve always valued my relationships and social life far more than school, or a particular career. When I think about my future, I see holidays with my family and game nights and late night conversations with my husband. That\’s where my heart lives. But I\’m clearly not there yet. I\’m here. Sitting in my room, having just eaten leftover soup, with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and most importantly no one to share this with.
I think my frustration lies in the settlement I long for. I want routine and normalcy. I desire an emotional safe haven I can grow from. I hate transitional periods because you\’re stuck there until the transition passes. It\’s not like I\’m new to transition, I\’ve had to transition before, like coming to college, for example. College is very transtitional, but I was mentally prepared for that and it was only 4 years. There was an end in sight. This transtional period is my new life: adjusting to grad school, the time between being a child and a full fledged adult, the time in between families (the family of origin and the family of creation). There is no definite end in sight. I\’ve found it especially difficult to meet new people who share my values and are in a similar life place than me, and the worst part about it is that I know I\’ll have to transition again when I graduate with my Master\’s and find a job. It\’s a constant state of limbo. And that\’s not even considering the limbo I\’m in relationship speaking. It\’s like I\’m just wondering around in the dark. There\’s no definitions in this place, no clarity, no place of belonging, no guidance, no nothing….just me trying to keep my head above water and telling myself that it will get better, I just have to make it through the night in one piece first. I\’m having a hard time doing anything productive, like make myself a decent meal or read for school. I want something to live for, not just to live. Life without direction and meaning is not fulfilling.
This all has made me realize, I need more faith. I honestly didn\’t realize how little faith I have, and how spiritually immature I really am. I, humanly, look at my situation now and don\’t see how I can go to where I want to from my position and, stupidly, my heart questions God\’s plan and will for my life and gets angry, like a little child throwing a temper tantrum. I\’m a selfish, impatient little child who has grown weary and tired from the false promises of the world. And when I really think about my true feelings, I\’m ashamed at myself for being that human, being that small-minded. I\’m putting limits on a limitless God, and am getting increasingly frustrated when He is not doing what I think He should. My heart is yelling at Him, challenging Him to blow my mind. A song lyric that rings true to this sentiment: \”Rescue me from hanging on this line. I won\’t give up on giving you the chance to blow my mind. Let the Eleventh Hour quickly pass me by. I\’ll find you when I think I\’m out of time.\” – Jars of Clay, Eleventh Hour. So that\’s where I am, who I am and what I\’m giving back to God.
\”How you\’ve made good of this mess I\’ve made is a profound mystery.\” – Caedmon\’s Call, Lead of Love
So, amidst the negativity, I give You my lack of faith. I give You my impatience. I give You my challenge. I give You my small-mindedness. I give You my transition. I give You my frustration. I give You my anger. I give You my laziness. I give You my doubt. I give You my fear. I give You my immaturity. I give You my mistakes. I give You my dreams. I give You my emotions. I give You my thoughts. I give You my transgressions. I give You my pain. I give You my heart. Do with that what You will. Turn that into the masterpiece of who I am.
I heard the most amazing song about God\’s love today while listening to Pandora. It was amazingly beautiful. It\’s called Nothing to Cry About by Alli Rogers (You can listen to it here.)
Nothing to Cry About by Alli Rogers
There\’s nothing to cry about tonight
All your thoughts are brave
But they make you tired
It\’s only us and the world is small and new
Like I don\’t know anything
But how I\’m in love with you
I\’ll hold you when the nights get long
And hold you when the times get tough
I\’ll love you when you\’ve had too much
And love you when you can\’t get enough
Baby close your eyes
Cause we are in the angels keep
Push your worries all aside
And let me rock you back to sleep
There\’s nothing to cry about tonight
It\’s not your job to know if everyone\’s alright
Let me tell you how perfect you are to me
And we\’re all that matters now as far as I can see
I\’ll hold you when the nights get long
And hold you when the times get tough
I\’ll love you when you\’ve had too much
And love you when you can\’t get enough
Baby close your eyes
Cause we are in the angels keep
Push your worries all aside
And let me rock you back to sleep