The Implications of Sandwich Making

Today, I made a sandwich. I also put my laundry away and am in the process of cleaning my room so that I can sit and be mentally present in my schoolwork that so desperately needs to get done. I know that this probably doesn\’t sound like a big accomplishment, but considering I have a habit of not taking care of myself, it\’s actually a good thing that I\’m eating something (a chicken salad sandwich with apples, provolone, lettuce on sourdough) I made that isn\’t too terribly unhealthy. The world in my mind is so different from the one I actually live in. My mind wants to be health conscious, organized, following a schedule, be productive and be genuinely happy and secure with the way my life is and hopeful for the future. I tend to get lost in this world and the reality is, I don\’t eat what I should, where I should, when I should. I don\’t really exercise. My room gets messy and I never get around to doing the things on my to do list (like getting my charm put on my bracelet I got for Christmas.) I still haven\’t made my hotel arrangements for the Lubbock wedding I\’m attending and that\’s been on my to do list for ages. So why is this, might you ask. Why do I refuse to do those things that will make my life just that much better? Why do I not take care of myself? That is a question I\’ve been asking myself repeatedly for days now. I know I am a valuable person worthy to be taken care of, and yet when it\’s just me..on my own I will do such things as not eat all day live in the filth of my laziness and just mope around. It\’s like a mini form of depression. It\’s awful. I\’ve yet to go shopping for even basic necessities like clothing and will put off other chores (like laundry) off until it is imperative that it gets done. This is not really how I want to live and yet I continually see myself fall into this pattern. Maybe, I\’m lazy….although I\’m doubtful of that, because I would do it for someone else if I felt obligated. And that\’s where I think the key to this is. For the first time in a long time I don\’t have a committed, stable, romantic relationship. And I\’ve noticed something. For better or worse (and believe me it\’s been both) I live for that. I live and thrive for the sense of family, my family. I live for the idea of a partner to share life with. My deepest dreams involve a person to come home to, to talk to, to love and support, to be loved and supported, to invest in, to grow with. I think the more I am by myself the more I start to realize what it means to have a marriage. It\’s beyond love, it\’s beyond committment, it\’s a family….your own family. I was thinking about my friends who just got married and I thought, if something happened to one of them, the other one would be the one to make all the decisions considering their situation. I can\’t think of anything I want more than that connection with another human being. To come home and be with your best friend. But before I even have a chance at that, I must take care of myself. I need to live for myself first and to do that I need to take care of myself, which means making a sandwich every now and then.

\”Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.\” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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