The Planned Future

Last night I was in a very productive mood. I cleaned my room, found 17 articles for my term papers due at the end of the semester and did laundry. I love moods like that. I try and capitalize on them and last night was a good example of doing just that. The more I immerse my self in graduate school, the more I feel that I truly am where I\’m supposed to be. It\’s weird, because I don\’t particularly like reading all that much, and I never really liked writing that much. I think what makes it ok to me though is that I am actually very passionate about the subject that I\’m in. There are very few things that I know I love, and sociology is one of them. For some reason, I find the study of people fascinating. I find the things that we do because of the structure of society intriguing. I love big picture, broad thinking trends and people. There doesn\’t seem to be a better major for me to pursue. I\’ve been thinking about trying to get my phd. I never in a million years thought that I would even consider that as an option. It would delay me having children for quite a while. I\’m not sure if that\’s a sacrifice I am willing to endure just yet. And yet, something draws me to the idea of social research. I would want to write my dissertation on something to do with gender perceptions and the strength of the portrayal of Mary in the Catholic church. I can imagine conducting the interviews. Asking about families\’ family structure, where they work and what they do, how high their devotion to Mary is, their views on education, their political leanings, etc.. Asking children what they want to be when they grow up and see if their responses follow gendered work lines. I even picture myself asking protestants to provide me with which to compare to. I know that thinking about all this makes me a complete dork, but it\’s dorky thing I like. I should have known graduate school was in my future way back in middle school when I researched all sorts of random things, mainly vacations and houses and school districts and colleges. Research is somewhat of my guilty pleasure. For some reason, I find it enthralling and completely engulfing. I am where I am supposed to be. Aren\’t we always where we\’re supposed to be? I\’m trying to determine what my calling is. Yes, I know I want to get married and have a family, but is that what is right for me? And, though it very well could be, maybe it doesn\’t mean that I can\’t go get my phd. Maybe instead of having 6 kids, I\’ll only have 2.

I think this whole conversation in my head is really just me trying to accept the path that is being laid out for me. My life doesn\’t look like I thought it would a year out of college. I truly believed up until I graduated, that I would get engaged around my graduation from college. I really believed that. I pictured it happening countless times. My dream wasn\’t exactly based off of nothing either. I had a boyfriend whom I had been dating the previous 3 years. I didn\’t think a ring was so out of the question. I just assumed it would happen that way, but something didn\’t feel right. Something about that relationship didn\’t feel right and indeed wasn\’t right. Instead of getting engaged at graduation, we broke up permanently 4 months later. It is interesting to me how decisions we make affect the trajectory of our entire lives. Instead, I went to graduate school, first in student affairs and now in sociology. And has it all been really that bad? I mean really, if I was engaged right now….well I would be awaiting my wedding to a man that I\’m not supposed to be with. That is way more awful than graduate school. God ultimately wants us to be happy. And if we continue doing what we\’re supposed to be doing, what makes us passionate and happy, then how can we not be? If I have a calling to get my phd, maybe I\’m supposed to. Maybe that\’s what will truly fulfill me. Just please let me accept these things graciously.

\”You know the plans you have for me. And you can\’t plan the ends and not plan the means.\” – Caedmon\’s Call Table for Two