With a holy relaxation

Today is the first day that I am actually giving myself time to sit and think and be alone. I feel that it is very fitting that today\’s reflection would be about holy relaxation. I\’ll start with the word holy. My relationship with this word has definitely changed over the years. For the vast majority of my life I thought of holy as the equivalent of divine perfection. Holy meant to be morally good, right, beautiful, perfect, sacred and divine. It was something that I put on a huge pedestal and couldn\’t even begin to reach up to because of the magnificence of it all. I was simultaneously disconnected with it and yet obsessed with it, desparately striving to achieve it and always coming up short. I was in a constant state of awe by the idea of being holy and being part of the perfection, part of the divine. I feel that this view of holy is both hugely respectful and idealistic but completely discouraging and disappointing. If we are called to be holy, and my definition of holy is perfect, and humans are imperfect by definition, then it doesn\’t work. It\’s an impossible calling and one that will ultimately lead to disappointment and guilt. Recently, within the past few months, I have started defining holy as something different. Whole-ly. Hoyl actually comes from the Old English word of whole. It can be thought of as a complete summation of everything complete. That idea has revolutionized the way I think about my calling. It\’s somewhat attainable, although still impossibly hard. Being complete in all that you are and doing is a remarkable challenge. I don\’t get the same distance from it though. It is a new challenge, one that can grow as I do without the feeling of inevitable failure. It is more earth-based, more human, more all-encompassing, more complete. My heart responds to it.

Now to the word relaxation. Relaxation is something, I admit, I have a very hard time doing. Well, let me qualify that. I am generally relaxed about most things (maybe 60% of things) BUT, the 40% of things I am NOT relaxed about I obsess about and they take up about 90% of my thoughts. So, I tend not to seem very relaxed and have a hard time dealing with that. Schooling is a great example of this. Now, I\’m not going to lie, I like school and have for the most part been a good student and done well in my classes and such. The problem I tend to have is putting things off (like we all do). Now, when something isn\’t due for another 2 weeks, I\’m very relaxed and won\’t think about it at all. When crunch time comes, however, and I need to get my stuff done my generally relaxed mode goes into overdrive, efficient, working mode. It\’s a very clear disintegration pattern when I\’m stressed and it\’s very obvious my brain is going to a very 3/1 place (enneagram). The problem about disintegration though is ultimately it\’s not our type and therefore we\’re not as good at it as that type would be. For example, even though my mind goes to an efficient, workaholic, success-oriented 3…I\’m not super good at functioning this way and no matter how much I want to shut off my emotions and anxiety and just get my stuff done, I\’m not able to do so. Anyways, I\’m getting off topic. Relaxation is one of the things I need to work on. To loosen up and just take things as they come. To relax, if you will, is my integration pattern and one of my ultimate desires. The idea of having a complete relaxation is incredibly attractive to me. Knowing that God wants that for us all is extremely comforting to me.

\”Push your worries all aside and let Me rock you back to sleep.\” – Alli Rogers

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