Today\’s topic is on loving warmth, which is ironic, because it\’s freezing outside. Cold and wet and totally not a day to be doing such things as go to class or work, but much more suited for things like make hot chocolate and cuddle with your significant other under blankets by a fire. Can you tell where my heart is today? It\’s definitely in a place of craving companionship and intimacy. It\’s made me start thinking about why I\’m so focused on my romantic relationships and why I want nothing more than to get married and have that lifetime companionship. I think I\’ve figured that out. I was made to live in a family. I am not a super independent, individualist. I am much better when I have people around me to support me and in return, I support and am loyal to those that I love. For this, I believe more and more everyday, I was created. I told my mom the other day that the 3 things I want more than anything else in the whole world is a house, a husband, and a dog. She laughed at me, but I feel that that is extremely telling of who I am and where my priorities lie and how I view the world. It really comes down to I want a family, and today I was thinking about how unnatural my situation is right now (at least in my mind.) Pretty much, throughout time, one would go from their family of origin straight to their family of creation. Now, considering I moved out of my parent\’s house about 5 years ago (wow…that seems really long ago.) I feel that it\’s safe to say, though I will always be a part of my family of origin, it won\’t ever be in the same capacity it once was, no matter how much I would want it. I\’m growing up, a grown up actually, although it\’s hard to tell with me considering I\’m not even remotely financially independent. So I\’m in the process of mourning my family of origin, which is sad, but to be expected and part of the life process. So, I can deal with that. What really gets me is the next part: family of creation. It wouldn\’t be so bad, mourning my family of origin if I could celebrate my family of creation (it would probably soften the blow), but as it stands, I don\’t really have a solid family of creation. So I\’m kind of stuck here \”focusing on my career\” even though I don\’t even really care about \”a career\” nearly as much as I care about this family thing. There just seems to be a conflict of interest. This is not to say that I don\’t appreciate my education or financial security (I very much do), but it\’s really hard to get up in the morning and get motivated to go to class when my heart is focused on something else entirely. And I don\’t get why it\’s more appropriate to really try and work and want a career, but it\’s considered ridiculous to try and work and want a good healthy relationship that would someday lead to marriage. It\’s frustrating to me. I don\’t believe that this would be a problem for someone who was more career/achievement driven (which is most of America) or someone who was naturally an independent person who doesn\’t mind living alone and likes the freedom of being able to do whatever, whenever. It\’s the bane of my existence. So God, please, on this cold and rainy day, give me your loving warmth and be my family in this time of family-lessness. Thank you.
\”This day\’s been crazy, but everything\’s happened on schedule. From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt.\” – Caedmon\’s Call Table for Two