As I said last time, anxiety is one of those topics that hits close to home. When I hear the phrase \”quiet confidence\” my mind immediately goes to a silent strength. A strong presence. A rock, if you will. Someone that just walks into a room and a sense of peace just emanates from them. You can\’t help but want to be around them, they seem to have everything under control. Nothing disturbs them. My first thought is probably my father. He\’s an incredibly calm person that just takes care of situations, seemingly unnoticed. How do I compare? Not well. Especially today. My throat has been killing me all day and I\’ve been tired and my stomach hurts. My roommate has the flu and I can\’t help but wonder if that\’s the same ailment plaguing me today. My mind is not quiet…it\’s been in panic mode for most of the day and I\’ve had to consciously make efforts to not be hysterical. I know that sounds extreme, but sickness is my Kryptonite. I become a completely different person. Not quiet. Very little confidence. It\’s kind of a discouraging thing. Just when I think I\’m a little bit more self-actualized and understand more or that I\’m growing, or that I am just a little stronger, something as stupidly human as a physical calamity threatens all my progress and I revert back to a small child clinging to anything and everything that I can find comfort in. My spiritual eyes get clouded and I tend to see only the immediate, physical entities. I might as well be saying, \”I have faith when everything is going well, but as soon as I really need it in my times of distress, I don\’t believe it exists and go back to my human support systems to find the ultimate comfort, which in the end, indubitably will fail me. \” Only God can provide that need, which I know from an intellectual standpoint, but when I\’m being driven by sheer panic all intellectual knowledge flies out the window and I am left to deal with things in a less refined, more childlike way. I fly to my relationships and expect them to save me from myself. This is one of those struggles that has plagued me for as long as I can remember and will probably continue being a difficult one to overcome. I think it might be a matter of feeling instead of thinking. In times when my intellect goes haywire, I\’m left with my feelings. I wonder how one goes about feeling the love, protection, and comfort of God on an intimate, human level as opposed to just knowing. I digress.
Quiet confidence is what I should strive for. The calmness and peace that comes from being quiet. If you know me at all, I am extremely verbal and seldom quiet, but I\’ve noticed throughout the years that my heart tends to yearn for those completely quiet, peaceful moments. At first, it didn\’t make sense to me. My energy is high and loud and joyful. How can my true \”God moments\” be times of peace when it seems like a complete violation of my natural energy? I think it\’s because it\’s nice to know that there is meaning in the silence. That I can be secure just by being. God, afterall, was not found in the earthquake or fire, but in the small whisper of the wind. It\’s a challenge to stop the frenzy of our daily lives and revel in the quiet. It\’s a deliberate quiet, a meaningful one.
Confidence is the strength to be whatever it is that we are. To go out in the world and not be afraid. Why should we be afraid, anyways? \”Who is going to harm you if you are enthusiastic for what is good?\” – 1 Pt 3:13. <– One of my favorite bible versus, by the way. Confidence is about knowing and being secure in the truth of who we are and what we stand for. It's something that I admit, I am envious of. How I would love to live in a world free from my own self-doubt! That's where I get caught up on. I am constantly second-guessing myself, doubting my worth, relentlessly trying to prove and test the world in order to find some kind of rock on which I can stand. It's exhausting. It really all comes down to my own insecurities, of which there are many. My solace is that I feel being honest with yourself about where you lack is a testament of inner strength. That gives me hope that someday I too can walk into a room and exude quiet confidence.
\”Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have always imagined.\” – Henry David Thoreau